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back in the day when jayde and i were just talking, she would say she hates me all the time. mostly when she got embarassed from an attempt i made at flirting. obviously she didn't hate me because she ended up dating me for two years after that, but she still said it, and i think there's some merit to it. not that i think she actually hated me, but she hated something. something i think we both knew even then. the control of love. the potential power.

Listening to Cyrus Nyx's album "Monday" I was struck by a re-traumatizing level of Tyler, The Creator influence, but also reminded of a common behavior. The story in this album is quite easy to follow, it's a love story. and a breakup story. and another love story (please go listen it's really good). Yet throughout the album, the characters that are in love pretend they aren't. Girls* who are infatuated with someone express it by withholding their infatuation like trying to hold in a cough on the train after 2020. If I reveal it, I'll show weakness.

If the cough releases, the attention is on me. But more importantly, the power is on you. Revealing your infatuation with someone to that someone often submits something. It puts your position of unclear future in the hands of the people around you, and the beauty of your eye. The power to notice and acknowledge the feelings without necessary gratification and reciprocation. Dangling the car keys in front of the baby, or the drunk man. The scary part is that often the person we have these feelings for isn't someone we can trust yet. We aren't sure if this person is worthy of holding our emotions, at least instinctually. Something inside us says "Don't let them see your feelings, because then they might control you."

Control you. Control you. How can someone control you? If I'd do anything for you, that means you know you could do anything to me. That's a lot of power to give a person you only want to learn to trust. We don't even give that much power to our parents. By now I think you get the idea. If we admit to someone we love them, or want to love them, we give them the opprotunity to abuse or misuse that love. A power of desire to be weaponized against us like when Po used his belly to deflect Tai Lung's attack into himself. The scariest part is, this often happens without either person knowing what happened.

Love is not the problem. Love does not inherently require we give this overwhelming power over ourselves to another person. We do not have to do anything for someone to love them or be in love with them. The problem is our attachment to that person's behavior. The problem is that once we attach our feelings of self-worth to another person's perception of us, we are eternally weakened. Perhaps we would have started making better habits, thought "Now I really want to get my life together!" or finally saw a light in ourselves because someone else reciprocated it. Like someone else declaring they want to dedicate their lives to us reminds us that we are worth dedication towards. They suddenly want to foster a light in you that hasn't been given the care it desires. That light is always there. To most of the people reading this I have seen your light and it is gorgeous. It wants nothing more than to grow and love without this attachment. It wants to experience and share the experiences with those who will listen. Mine does too. We suppress this light.

We suppress this light. We suppress this light. We suppress this light because we do not think we are deserving of it's freedom. We are not worthy of this light's simple desires. We aren't good enough to let it explore and experience. But you are.

I know the past has treated you poorly. I know you are scared that exposing this light will lead to pain, and honestly it will. It takes time to be comfortable and familiar with your light. Your childlike desire to learn and grow and experience. It is suppressed by these notions that you need to be romantically loved. That you need to stop being lazy. That you need to get better at Valor-whoops. You do not need to do it alone.

C, K, V, L, E, C, L, J, C, A, A, and anyone else reading. You are loved. You are not defined by how someone else values you. I value you. You are a piece of the world that is worth nourishing and giving the time and energy to grow. I want you to know that. I want you to repeat that to yourself as you read it subtly under your breath. You are a piece of the world that is worthy of the love, time, and energy required to grow. You are a piece of the world that is worthy of the love, time, and energy required to grow. You have made mistakes, you have been wrong and wronged, but you have never been where you are now. You are not unworthy of love. You do not "need to do better." You just need to know what you want to be. My DMs are open if you wanna figure it out.